Jingle Bells, Sung in Real Life

Jingle bells,

My sons smell

My daughter loves to play

“Moms” with her dolls

in my high-heeled clogs

and wigs like bales of hay – ay!

Jingle bells

Why DO boys smell?

When will it go away?

I wish I knew

But I am through

Cleaning pee off the pott-ay.

A day or two ago…

They thought they’d take some rides

Down an icy driveway bank

Landing under the four-wheel drive

Ha! Ha! Ha!

The weather isn’t mild

My kids are now just wild

And you know that means I

just might lose my mind (where’s the bourbon?).

Jingle bells

The boys still smell

Perhaps they don’t use soap?

My main complaint

Please, please aim!

I’m at the end of my rope - ope.

Jingle bells

Little Meems melt-

ed down at 11:03.

She lost another tooth

To her brother’s hoof

but is scared of the fair-y (go figure).

The presents were all wrapped

Waiting under the tree

And now I see exposed boxes

Peeking up at me.

The tree is slowly melting

The greenery is parched

The candles are all crooked

And the heat pump has not stopped (and we’re out of bourbon).

Hey!

Jingle bells

What IS that smell?

Oh, I just boiled an egg

And forgot it was there

Til it shot through the air

And burned me on the leg!

Oh!

Jingle bells 

The power bill tells

We owe 500 bucks.

Merry Christmas to me

Let’s burn the tree

It’ll heat this whole place up.

Happy Holidays!